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January 31st, 2010
08:19 pm - Writer's Block: Random acts
Acts of kindness -- or any kind, for that matter -- tend to be based on complex variables that lead to something that seems like a best course of action. So I'm not sure I can say that I've ever engaged in a random act of kindness at all.
Today, I gave a few quarters to a seemingly homeless guy wearing a hospital wrist tag thingie. He told me about his hernia, his nausea, his fear at having it hit a crucial stage before doctors would deal with it. Talking to him, listening to him, and giving him change were not random; he reminded me of my dad, he set off a certain level of empathy and recognition.
I don't believe in a traditional afterlife, because I don't count on unverifiable faith. So in a technical sense, I can't believe in karma, which is the outcome of a past life on a current life. Those born with great riches do not seem more enlightened than those born in ghettos as any general rule. The karmic beliefs about lives are clearly contradicted by real-life observation.
I do believe in an objective universal order of cause and effect; an unsentimental dharma, the sister concept to karma applied within one life. However, this is not based on any judgment of reward and punishment; only you look at the outcome of what you affect and decide whether it helps or hinders you.
It doesn't have to be all mystical. And it's ok that it's all in your head. It's still your experience, and you have to learn what feels right and good for you and the world around you, instead of hoping that coincidence will dictate after it's too late.
So don't be random.
It's not a good idea.
Pay attention, become aware. Exercise compassion and empathy. Then work towards what seems right. Hopefully then, your cause will reap good effects.
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January 21st, 2010
09:34 pm - Happy Birthday, Dad.
Dying today was a really dick move, Dad. I hope you had a celebration to make it worth it.
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January 18th, 2010
03:25 am - Yes, I understand.
I see my absence on your walls and nightstand, I see my replacement plastered in time and scent. Imagery. This is not my domain, and I have no time to trace your drowsy edges as you drift away from me. You've drifted too far, too far.
I lie here recognizing every sign, every layer of significance that you, yourself, have missed or tried to deny. I comfort you through torrential tears as you're denied a faint glimpse of something you would fail to remember. I thought we were gonna be ok.
I lie here and comfort you while I look at an image of her plastered to your dresser.
While I understood that you'd move on, while I even know that your own movement doesn't register with you and that I hold entitlement to nothing, I guess no amount of time would have been enough. While I accepted that this charge was the ego-killer, that no amount of grace or beauty would bear the weight of expectation, I guess it does sting that I'll likely be cast as another shadow.
I accepted all this from the start, though, and now it would be cowardly to shrink from the consequences.
Do your worst, my lovely Beast.
Current Music: Boa - Duvet (Acoustic)
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September 1st, 2009
07:10 pm - Deluge of Crazy
[23:08] Sheildmaiden72: Mal got ahold of me earlier today wondering if I knew why you were all down and stuff
[23:11] LadyCrypty: Yeah?
[23:11] Sheildmaiden72: *nods*
[23:11] Sheildmaiden72: If you want hun I am here for ya
( Read more... )
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August 14th, 2009
02:52 am - Saw
Slow dripping roused her from her slumber, a dull ache building in her right arm. The smell of mold and decay seeped in through her senses as she woke, calm and wary.
A grating voice drifted down from above her. "Hello." it said. "I'd like to play a little game."
( Read more... )
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August 8th, 2009
12:40 am - Someone adds me. I say hi.
[00:34] cryptess: Hi, how are you doing tonight?
[00:34] Erin: hey, Age/Sex/Location? :)
[00:34] cryptess: Oh.
[00:34] Erin: hey whats up babe, U got a webcam? finally someone adds me, I am soo fuckin horny today for some reason lol
[00:34] cryptess: Bot.
( I hope the person who runs this thing occasionally reads his responses. )
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July 22nd, 2009
04:41 am
LadyCrypty: Do you blame me for my indulgence in fictionology?
mrwigggles666: Uh, no.
mrwigggles666: Where that come from?
LadyCrypty: I'm reading up on Hindu gods, and it's a total mindfuck.
...
LadyCrypty: I'm gittin raped
( Read more... )
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July 16th, 2009
12:40 am - Writer's Block: 5//7//5
God damn you fucking
Bastard-ass internet freaks
Get out of my head
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July 15th, 2009
02:01 am - Writer's Block: Le Quatorze Juillet
Baiser amoureux, Kiss erotic.
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July 13th, 2009
09:24 pm - John Cox
Well, I gave you access to my journal so that you can get all the information you want on my life view and style.
There are links to the side to what I think are the most notable of my posts. I suggest you read them first since they give the others a better context.
At the same time, I'm not really trying out to be part of the family; I have gone through the process of gaining in-laws who have me over after I break up with their son, look at pictures of yours, and approve of my new partner. I don't really want to try out for the part of Patrick's leading lady to a highly skeptical audience.
My honesty should really make that clear. I think this is all silly sex politics and social stigma, and I'm not really interested in treating relationships like a game or an act. If Patrick didn't want me for what I was, I'd suggest that he get someone more suitable, but I'm not conventional, and neither is he.
Maybe you should ask him about his ideal marriage ceremony, his ideal relationship style, his ideal woman. I have, I've always been honest with him about who and what I am, and he's accepted it with absolute sincerity.
I tell him how I work, and he says it's his ideal. That should be plenty said about my relationship with him.
Now, if you want some kind of honest, open friendship with me, you're going to have to approach me that way: with awareness, compassion, and proactivity, my main values; while your snark and wit are amusing at times, I don't want to fuck around when the subject matter is important.
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July 12th, 2009
09:06 pm
LadyCrypty: I'm in my room crying with the bed curtains closed.
mrwigggles666: That certianly is an update.
mrwigggles666: May I ask why?
LadyCrypty: "When I talk to Sean, it feels like I'm talking to a recording. He doesn't seem to really think about what's going on around him anymore; like he set up these preprogrammed responces to things ages ago, and now they're all thats left of him."
mrwigggles666: I saw it.
mrwigggles666: I don't know who sean is and until I didn't know sean was a real person.
LadyCrypty: Sean is my dad.
mrwigggles666: Oh, I was mispronouncing his name.
mrwigggles666: *sits with her*
mrwigggles666: I'm sorry dear.
mrwigggles666: A sudden change in personality? Or something you been noticing for a bit?
LadyCrypty: This is just someone else's bullshit preconception.
LadyCrypty: It's partially the fact that dad likes to "fuck people off" as he calls it, playing dumb because his intelligence is usually met with a lot of resistance.
LadyCrypty: But pay an ounce of attention and you realize what's satire.
* mrwigggles666 nods
mrwigggles666: You're post makes more sense now
LadyCrypty: So I just got told that my dad, the man who got me barbies and toy tool sets, the man who I take the most after, the man I whored myself to save, is gone.
LadyCrypty: I'm deeply fucking hurt and offended. They aren't even looking.
LadyCrypty: They're dismissing my main role-model without even looking.
mrwigggles666: Who is?
LadyCrypty: Mostly Mal. Trick gets it, but often complains that yeah, dad does "fuck people off" and doesn't write his life story, etc. But at least Trick GETS IT.
mrwigggles666: Part had more direct contact with your dad then mal does. Right?
LadyCrypty: Yeah, but he also didn't immediately dismiss dad.
mrwigggles666: That not Patrick
LadyCrypty: However much time is spent with an early dismissal like that will be wasted.
mrwigggles666: he seemed energetic when i met him
mrwigggles666: and not a dumbass
LadyCrypty: See? You didn't dismiss him either. Why do people do that to him?
mrwigggles666: I couldn't say.
mrwigggles666: I dont like to dismiss most poeple
LadyCrypty: Well, when they do, it fucks me up on so many levels. I almost don't know where to start.
LadyCrypty: It insults someone I care about, it insults my devotion, it's unnecessary and unreasonable.
LadyCrypty: And it's high stakes. This is a human being they're dismissing.
mrwigggles666: Its a person they're dismissing. Yes, in actuality its a human being. But its a person. A run of the mill, 6.6 billion persons.
mrwigggles666: Most poeple dont consider someone else enough to go beyond that.
LadyCrypty: It's a person who's important to me, that I vouch for to the people who know me.
LadyCrypty: If they'll dismiss someone I vouch for, when they claim they fucking LOVE me, what'll they do to acquaintences or strangers?
* mrwigggles666 nods
LadyCrypty: God, the equasion seems to lean towards shooting down people in traffic who get in your way.
mrwigggles666: I was speaking in gernalities, and that the wrong approach.
LadyCrypty: I see strangers as not someone to spend a bunch of time and effort on, but to approach with a basic amount of human fucking decency. For the moment that I'm in contact with them, I put some effort into cooperating and appreciating them.
mrwigggles666: I don't.
mrwigggles666: I don't need to.
mrwigggles666: A stranger someone who I wont remember and someone who wont remember me, doesn't deserve that much effort from me.
LadyCrypty: You probably do more than you think. When you're walking down the street and someone coming the other way, do you step around them or try to walk through them?
mrwigggles666: I do lots more then most person.
LadyCrypty: It doesn't take much, it just takes the realization that if you both sidestep, you only have to do it half as much
mrwigggles666: I open up doors
mrwigggles666: I ackloedge the cashier, waiters
mrwigggles666: help perfect strangers
LadyCrypty: That's what I'm talking about. That's considerate and cooperative. If you end up talking to someone, there's a little more. Etc.
LadyCrypty: But if people are to dismiss someone they have regular contact with, know the name of, and who is incredibly important to someone they claim to love ...
LadyCrypty: Then ... what the fuck is everyone else to them? Obstacles?
mrwigggles666: I need to clean my beard and hands. Brb, I was in the middle of eating dinner, getting my kayboard gross
LadyCrypty: np
LadyCrypty: Thanks for taking a break to deal with my hysteria. :)
mrwigggles666: I'm not
mrwigggles666: i'm not done
mrwigggles666: it felt like you calmed down though
mrwigggles666: and i dont like gross keyboard or beard
LadyCrypty: In all honestly, I'm a bit emotionally wrecked, but not so bad that I'm really hysterical.
* mrwigggles666 nods
mrwigggles666: *rubs her shoulder with a soft smile*
LadyCrypty: Even taking how I feel into account, it's not so bad.
mrwigggles666: I can see why you're upset, you see someone opinion of your dad as being reflected onto you directly.
LadyCrypty: Not entirely reflected, but he is a huge influence and he's someone very important to me.
LadyCrypty: It's like if you tried to share one of your favorite games, and somebody looked at the pretense, and pointed out all these irrelevant reasons why they think it's crap, in ways that exactly oppose how the game really works.
mrwigggles666: That would irk me.
LadyCrypty: Let's say the game somehow influenced your whole worldview and that's why you wanted to share it. It made you smile, and it helps describe how you see the world, from the bottom up.
mrwigggles666: Okay, I'm with you.
LadyCrypty: And they know this. You've said so. You've described the general concept, you've pointed out some life experiences that came from it. But when you pull out the actual game, they go "No, this looks like an incredibly simple, redundant game. I don't want to even look at it."
mrwigggles666: Well. I would be fluster, annoyed exasperated, and probably play the game.
LadyCrypty: Yeah. Well, this hurts like a sonuvabitch. And it will for a while. Then it'll stop and I'll be mildly irritated, or over it.
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July 11th, 2009
10:19 pm - >:(
This is my little brother.
Telling me about this bad behavior, I don't think he's long for this world.
( Read more... )
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July 8th, 2009
09:05 am - Coming to Terms
I have to make peace with your neuroses. There's no way I'll intentionally harm, abandon, or betray you, but it seems that this situation necessitates letting you make yourself a little bit ill. I'm a bit frustrated and hurt because it's putting a dent in the bliss of just having our visit, and for some reason it seems to make all that I do offer seem trivial or something.
This response is, on my part, selfish; I'm actually letting myself get distracted by your distraction. Rather hypocritical, too: I fault you for overlooking my nature for the triviality of sex, while at the same time, I overlook your nature for the triviality of getting you to pay attention to what I do offer. My eyes are up here.
It's all ridiculous.
Maybe it's because I think I'm supposed to save you from every little injury. Maybe it really is pure selfishness.
Ultimately, though, this is not the time or place to push boundaries, especially for something so low on my list of priorities. And really, if my heart, mind, and soul are so far below sex that you're going to angst over it during this whole visit, you're not my type anyhow. Cold, cruel reality, but yes.
And this isn't really even about being too jaded for the carnival, it's about the level of reverence with which I regard everything else. The prospect of sex endangers the things I really value here. And I think if I'm even remotely involved in something -- like how I'm at least a little involved in this -- my values need utmost consideration.
If they don't match yours, you're just at the wrong port, and you should find someone more suitable for landing.
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07:22 am
One'a my friends is considering cheating on her fiance of years and years. Watching it burns ... my reasons in the past were really unorthodox or stupid: fucking girls because Rich was a sorry-ass, lame excuse for a man who told me that'd be ok before it happened, then changed his mind after; whoring myself to save my dad, failing, and having it be a completely unnecessary effort to begin with.
I never had an affair out of lust or dissatisfaction. When I fell in love, I read books and books worth of information on polyamory and talked to Rich like a madwoman, asked him about his feelings, showed him more affection than ever, took everything slow and ... well, never got to realize those relationships, because I was just too hyper-sensitive to his boundaries.
She's thinking about it for totally traditional reasons. She's dissatisfied, she's been in a rut, she feels like he's too clingy but doesn't ever give her what she wants. So she started talking to a guy online who she plans to meet at the end of the week. Only she knows that she's all engaged and about to cheat.
Yeah, yeah. So her main man seems to be cottoning on that she's acting funny or something. He's already told her that he'd understand if she took on side-strumpet because he works a lot, etc. He wants to read her livejournal, he wants to go with her on this date to "Meet her friends" ... And she's getting defensive. Of course. God damn it.
So I tells her
I don't know why I want to hurt him.
He's getting close to catching and calling you out on deception and you're working up a defense that justifies your actions.
The real danger here is the point, though, at which you look back at your own path and feel bad for it. If you knew you were doing the right thing, why would you look for justification? This path can really screw up your own self-image.
Take it from the Tried and True Whore; talking through it beforehand may be scary, uncomfortable, frustrating, might bring up all sorts of other issues, take a lot of time, and be overall unpleasant, but if you temper your issues with a bit of compassion and brutal truth, (I know they don't seem to match, just bear with me), it will feel better in the long run than to look back on yourself performing acts of abandonment and betrayal.
An ye harm none, do as ye will. The commandment actually has two parts. Look at your world and figure out what you need to do to honor the loyalty you've offered in the past while remaining true to yourself.
You're not just sacrificing your partner here, you're sacrificing your own core of loyalty. If I could go back to each time I've justified something like this and change it, I would. And this isn't meant to be hypocritical, this is pure warning that if you follow the dark path, it hurts you more than anyone else involved.
You know, I think the only say that people should have over one another is ... to put it simply, "Don't hurt me." At least not unnecessarily, as if something has to happen and you do your damnedest to perform damage control, that's the best you can offer. So I'm not exactly arguing The Sanctity of Marriage or something here. I'm just saying that a bit of compassion, consideration, and effort go a long way. Don't take unnecessary risks, usurp, or berate anyone.
Don't disregard others' well being, don't abandon or betray. Is it really that hard? Are people really that scared of doing things right?
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July 5th, 2009
02:37 am - Eventual Gratification
A strange, subtle change has come over my mood since such a simple shift in terminology shattered my East Coast boyfriend's plans to give up relationships; I pushed for nothing, yet it seems that my mere presence has caused him to reconsider. I am content to watch him live and move in his own habitat, but I've now been invited to join him.
I'm overtaken by calm contentment. My sense of inadequacy is washed away. It was only ever a contest with myself, one of disheartening and discontent with the limitations that arose from my rejection of the standard limitations placed by society.
I'm not exclusive, I don't play favorites, I don't give in to co-dependence or overabundance of life entanglement, I base my relationships on emotional and intellectual intimacy -- a heartfelt dedication of myself to another's well being -- rather than on sexual relations or ceremonies.
In fact, terminology tends to mean very little to me. I am content to watch; I feel entitled to nothing but my own perspective. My thoughts and feelings are mine, and I afford the same to others. I also afford them respect for their personal space, both physical and emotional. I don't laud my feelings, I try not to judge or trespass. These values are high on my scale of ethics.
Yet, I hit a point with someone I've always respected and adored, without force or cajoling, without obscuring myself or shaping myself to meet expectations, where I ... am ... something. There's a part of me, even at opposite ends of the country, can now lounge on his living room floor and drape her legs over him and not feel like a wary trespasser.
With just the act of calling me his girlfriend, he tells me so many lovely things that I'd made peace with never hearing. I s'pose it doesn't change my view of him, of the situation, but it's another way in which he's given me back myself. Again, I don't know if he realizes what that means.
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July 3rd, 2009
01:32 am - Gotan Project - Amor Porteño
Una inquietante mirada de amor porteño
Cálida y cruel
No, no puedo creer que pasó
Que el misterio sensuel de tu risa canyengue
Se apagó
Brindo por esa ilusión de amor porteño
Loco puñal
Dulce y fatal, la nostalgia
De un tiempo pedazo de
Nosotros dos
Y yo que pensaba que no me importaba
Que una caricia podía borrar el color
De mi ciudad…
El código oculto de esa mirada
Es como una señal
Y no puedo zafar
Un deseo sutil que temblando me viene a buscar
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June 27th, 2009
06:01 pm - Discuss
What you have isn't family. What you have is a shallow disservice to the concept of family. What you have is shadows.
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05:39 pm - Found my Indignance
Miss Tornado is the founder/director of the Westchester based REPO! shadow cast The Voices of GeneCo. She is proud to also be joining ZEN and combining the two shadow casts in perfect harmony. She has over fourteen years of theatrical training and experience and has been featured in over 50 productions. Miss Tornado is grateful to her REPO! family for providing her with love, laughs and many sing-a-long car rides. When she is not falling on her face or stabbing 15-lbs. of chocolate with sissors, she is indulging her dedication to her friends, coffee and hair dye. "The REPO! Army is so much more than a militant fan base, we are a family. If we aren't all working together than there is no point in any of it, so I intend to keep us together and keep us going." EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY TOASTIFY!
This girl touts herself as having spent 23 years building some kind of amazing personal strength and saintlike chosen-family ties, presents her syntax with absolute confidence and clarity, and yet all I see is a scared little girl in the middle of a labyrinth built of pretense. Yet, she'll love a man with all her soul till one day she wakes and runs away without explanation or consolation, and will slowly push him out of everything they shared together until his place in family, his role in the culture and craft, his life and livelihood are torn away from him.
( Read more... )
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04:02 pm - Devil Doll - Faith in Love
I can see you in my past,
but this time's been so alone.
Can't seem to find you,
but I've come to take you home.
Just want to touch you through the glass,
but you don't see me.
Do you remember when we met last?
Don't lose your faith in love.
Don't lose your faith in love.
Bring it on home to me,
I'll give you faith in love, today.
( Read more... )
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June 24th, 2009
06:11 am - Dear Internet,
You really shouldn't wake people up with your shit. Thanks.
--Crypt
PS. I hate this thong.
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